As a Rapeutation gets going, many minor league Rapeutationists start to send hate emails. What is the effect of receiving hate emails, you might ask? It depends upon a lot of things. In The Sex.Com Chronicles, I described the anxiety caused by receiving scary faxes (the instant-delivery technology of the day), and you might think hate emails would cause the same response. But they don’t. As I received and read a few hundred hate emails, I experienced a range of responses. I was mostly amused, occasionally challenged, rarely annoyed, and in the aggregate, somewhat saddened.
Amused because although the writers were familiar with my name, they didn’t know me, so much of what they said seemed silly and misdirected. Challenged when the writer raised a relevant point that seemed worthy of a response. Annoyed for a range of reasons that all amounted to one thing — I had let them get under my skin. Saddened because so many people had the time to spit bile at me, over a legal spat about comic websites, while the world is literally burning up around us, while American-made drones hunt humans like video-game targets on the other side of the world, while migrants struggle through the desert a few miles south of here in the Sonora desert, just trying to make it to a place where they can have a decent living. In that context, wasting time hatemailing me seemed like a terrible waste of mental energy. But I digress. This post is to give you access to some of the hatemails I received, to put names to some of the hatemailers, and allow you, dear reader, a view into the workings of a DIRA.
From: Tim Johnston <email@example.com?
Date: Tue, Jun 12, 2012 at 6:54 AM
You, sir, are a fucking idiot
From: Matthew Inman <firstname.lastname@example.org>
Date: Tue, Jun 12, 2012 at 6:09 AM
Subject: Your recent debacle with The Oatmeal
I just noticed you’ve had a slight run in with The Oatmeal. And personally, I think it’s great! You give me hope that someone who is a complete and utter fucking moron can still get through university and land a decent job along with some degree of fame. Thanks! If you want to contact me back, grab a can of gasoline and add a lighter! Or an email if you survive.
From: Mr. Eat A Dick <Fuckyou@stupidlawyer.com>
Subject: Fuck you
Fuck you!! You are categorically a piece of shit for attempting to do anything to the oatmeal.
Go fuck yourself.
From: You Mom <email@example.com>
Date: Tue, Jun 12, 2012 at 4:55 AM
Subject: FUCK YOU. BEAR LOVIN’ WINS!!
FUCK YOU. BEAR LOVIN’ WINS!!
From: Kilgore Trout Ewekantspamme@gmail.com
Date: Jun 12, 2012
Subject: Libel case
You, dear sir, a truly the dumbest “Internet” lawyer there must be. Not only did you file a phony lawsuit on behalf of a client whose copyright violations were so numerous that it was a running joke, but you failed to even do a basic Google search to figure that one out. Good luck with The Oatmeal, I hope he sues you into bankruptcy, you scum sucking pathetic piece of groveling lawyer shit.
Watch out for the Pterodactyls!
From: Jimbo <firstname.lastname@example.org>
Date: Tue, Jun 12, 2012 at 9:41 AM
You are a fucking moron. the internet loves the oatmeal and hates your worthless client. do yourself a favor and resign now you dickless piece of slime.
From: Anthony <email@example.com>
Date: Jun 12, 2012
There goes your career … kaput.
From: Hi <firstname.lastname@example.org
Date: Jun 12, 2012
You should have pulled the trigger.
From: Andrew Sledg <email@example.com>
Date: Jun 12, 2012
Subject: Leave The Oatmeal alone, stop being a dick!
Please leave The Oatmeal alone. Publicly humiliating yourself online is not good advertisement.
Another Person That Hates You
From: Heather Powers <firstname.lastname@example.org>
Date: Tue, Jun 12, 2012 at 10:28 PM
Subject: Wow, you’ve messed up
I’d like to point out a few things regarding your interview with Rosa Golian from MSNBC:
“”I really did not expect that he would marshal an army of people who would besiege my website and send me a string of obscene emails,” he says.”
Oatmeal never marshalled anyone — the @!%#storm you’re in is just a public outcry versus a stupid law gimmick you’re trying to pull. Your site may not have been brought down by sheer amount of visitors if you had halfway decent hosting plan.
“”It’s an education in the power of mob psychology and the Internet,” Carreon told me.”
Again, action and response. You pull off a lawsuit out of your ass (claiming that Oatmeal deliberately planned to manipulate search algorithms seems to be the basis of your “suit”, and that IS someone who knows nothing about how internet works who’s just talking out of his ass) on someone popular, you don’t get to act surprised when people call you a douche.
“…and has sent a request to disable the fundraising campaign.”
The best part is that instead of admitting to being a douche and trying to smooth things over, you double down into an ultra-douche mode. Way to go.
Whatever flack you take for this, you deserve.
Cheers, you douche.
From Richard Walls <email@example.com>
Date: Tue, Jun 12, 2012 at 8:53 PM
Subject: On ‘The Oatmeal’, Please Consider Reading
Dear Mr. Carreon,
While I would like to begin with saying that I am not in any way condoning or approving the legal actions attempted by FunnyJunk, I would like to reach out with some sort of non-negative concern and I hope that you haven’t discarded this email based solely on the subject line. I can imagine you’ve been flooded at this point with a fair degree of harassment from overzealous internet crusader’s, well-meaning or otherwise, ad nI would certainly not want to be an addition to that grouping. Instead I would like to say that while I am not sure about your part in determining the process of this legal claim for defamation compensation, I would like to give the benefit of the doubt and assume that you are a rational person and realize the situation it has caused regardless of how involved you were in the process. Presently the current press is so overwhelmingly negative that I can’t imagine that you’ll have an easy time coming out unscathed from the whole ordeal and I would like to do my best to ensure that this damage is minimized. I am not a legal student, I have no background in law, I don’t even had a background in business. Actually, I’m an Entomology major and while insects must seem a world apart from the world of lawsuits and courtrooms I would greatly appreciate it if you allowed my words not to fall on deaf ears.
Mr. Carreon, you’re in a bind that cannot be broken off with any ease. You have to understand that your letter sparked something that the internet as a whole will react to and you have to be prepared to respond to that. You have done a less than exemplary job of that so far and I would like to encourage you to perhaps fish through the commentary of linked articles for an understanding as to why it has been ineffective. I could summarize it in detail but I feel that a lot of the feeling and intent would be lost in translation. I know you’re a busy man, or I at least imagine it, but doing so can only help you at this point. I don’t mean to disrespect but you’re understanding of the situation initially, as far as was expressed in your letter and in quotes in other media sources, seems lacking and I’m fairly certain there are men and women around you who would be able to better explain some of the areas that you seem to misunderstand (such as how Google ranks pages for example.) In addition to reading comments I would seek them out as well and return to the media with a better grasp of things.
If you have been simply dragged into a legal battle by an overzealous individual, likely the president of Funny Junk (or whomever happens to be running the magic show over there) then I would like to apologize for your circumstances. I would hardly wish to blame you for translating another man’s ill-intent into legal jargon to make a case. I imagine that’s a frequent occupier of your time and employment. I’m not so ignorant as to assume you personally support or even recognize the legitimacy and potential for every letter you write or every case you work on. If I’m the only person to say this then I’m sorry for the absent understanding in the internet denizens on their behalf. They know not what they do and all that jazz. If this has all been just your doing your job, whether you’re able to state it or not (I can’t imagine the potential for being quoted as not supporting your client’s position is ignored by you), then I hope that you forgive the sends of every nasty email or poor comment directed at you as best you’re able, and I do mean ‘as best you’re able’. I could hardly ask for perfect forgiveness afterall, I’m sure you’ve at least considered responding in less professional ways to what you’ve received.
In conclusion, I would advise you with all sincerity to take in the full breadth of the situation and do what is best for you and your career at the end of it. Maybe this has all been repetition of what you’re already well aware of, maybe you’ve ignored most of it in fear of all these words being half-hidden jokes about your having a small penis and a slutty mother, or maybe its all been eye-opening but in any case I just wanted to be a constructive person in the miasma in half-spelled racial slurs in your inbox. I’m certain you’re not bad enough to warrant it. I wanted to include a picture of your mother in a business suit politely soliciting a bear for consensual sexual intercourse as a layer over the original picture but I’m afraid I lack that artistic skill. Maybe the thought, and the humor, counts for something?
A concerned member of both Funny Junk and a read of The Oatmeal, Richard Antonio da Silva Walls
From: Luke Hopkins <firstname.lastname@example.org>
Date: Jun 17, 2012
Subject: Your a douchebag
let me begin to say I’m astounded by you. You claim to be a buddhist yet you’re an extortion lawyer. You deserve everything that’s coming to you. It’s called KARMA! You couldn’t have possibly chose a worse subject to threaten money from. This wave on the internet is only just beginning. You’re going to be forever known as the lawyer that got oatmeal on his face.
From: Aizou Iji <email@example.com>
Date: Thu, Jun 14, 2012 at 9:34 AM
Subject: You’ve GOT to be kidding me ..
You’re fucking blaming Matt Inman for “security attacks” instigated against you?
Are you seriously THAT mentally deficient and unaware of how the Internet works? Good gravy, I sincerely hope they disbar your stupid ass.
From: annette easton <firstname.lastname@example.org>
Date: Jun 12, 2012
Subject: Friendly advice
Hello Mr. Carrion,
I am writing to you with some friendly and well-meaning advice regarding the letter sent to TheOatmeal’s Matthew Inman. I’d like to start by saying that my own grandmother was a lawyer, and I have nothing but the utmost respect for the profession.
Having said that, I really think that you should stop talking to the media, because you’re making yourself and your professional look very, very bad.
I’ve just read an article containing responses from you on MSNBC (http://digitallife.today.msnbc.msn.com/_news/2012/06/12/12187665-cartoonist-turns-lawsuit-threat-into-100k-charity-fundraiser) and I’d like to make a few observations. For someone who lists “Internet Law” as an area of expertise, you seem to have a shocking lack of comprehension about how the internet actually works, and the social processes that run it. In fact, you also seem to have a shocking lack of comprehension of the English language. To wit:
-It is screamingly apparently to absolutely everyone that the comments that Mr. Inman made about “your mom seducing a Kodiak bear” were directed to the owners of FunnyJunk, not at you. Unless you actually ARE the owner of FunnyJunk, which actually would explain quite a lot of things.
-You’ve stated you believe that Mr. Inman’s fundraising campaign “to be a violation of the terms of service of IndiGoGo” – and yet their own site says “There is no limitation on who can use Indigogo as long as you have a valid bank account”. They do not appear to discriminate against the fundraising of money to be given to charity, nor can I see anywhere in their TOS that prohibits raising money for charity.
-You’ve also stated that Mr. Inman marshaled “an army of people who would besiege my website and send me a string of obscene emails” – in fact he did no such thing. In fact your statement could actually be construed as libel, as Mr. Inman most definitely did not even jokingly mention or hint that anyone should contact you in any way, shape or form. In fact the only action that Mr. Inman proposed that was people who supported his position donate to his charity campaign. I fail to see how encouraging donations to charity equates to marshaling an army against you.
I also fail to see how you can honestly believe that your action of attempting to obtain money from Mr. Inman was appropriate or reasonable. What you’ve done is equivalent to a bully saying “stop complaining about me hitting you and give me your lunch money or you’re going to regret it!” Your client was in the wrong, Mr. Inman had every right to complain about it, and then you come at him demanding money and threatening a frivolous lawsuit. How is that appropriate? How is that good legal practice? It’s not. It’s disgraceful.
As someone who appreciates lawyers and the law, I beg you Mr. Carreon, please stop. You’re just making yourself look like an ignorant ass. As an onlooker, of course, I’d urge you to carry on because the stuff you’re coming up with is just freaking hilarious in a shocking and pathetic sort of way.
Even Labatt’s has recently realized that as far as the internet is concerned, there really is such a thing as bad publicity and it can be incredibly damaging. And bad publicity is precisely what you’re giving your client, and yourself.
From: Richard Henderson <email@example.com>
Date: Wed, Jun 13, 2012 at 12:03 AM
Subject: Formal Request
This is my formal request to tell you to GO FUCK YOURSELF.
You make lawyers the reviled profession it is.
If you’d like to sue me now – let me know. I’d love to be able to testify on the record as to what a total FUCKING ASSHOLE you are.
I hope you die a painful death.
From DV <firstname.lastname@example.org>
Date: Tue, Jun 12, 2012 at 11:17 PM
Subject: My 2 cents
You, sir, have brought the public upon yourself. For a lawyer litigating cases that have anything to do with Internet, you have less knowledge on the subject than a 7-year-old. It also appears that you’re quite a pathetic attempt at a human being. Please go away. That is all.
From: Paul Brooks email@example.com
Date: Jun 13, 2012
I really wanted wanted to stay out of this, but the fact that you’re offering legal counsel to an obviously guilty party for what seems like the sole purpose of a quick paycheck is absolutely abhorrent. Even worse is that after the proof of the illegitimacy of this case has been presented to you, your client, and any of the general public with an internet connection, you still continue to spout a never-ending font of lies, deceit, and fallacies.
First, let me inform you that Mr. Inman, the upstanding comic you’re seeking legal action against, did not recruit me or shanghai me like some sort of uninformed patsy to smear your or your client’s name or to fill your inbox with “grotesque”, “obscene”, or “unsavory” messages. I’ve been a long-time fan of Inman’s website, and once I saw that this case may actually take him to court and threaten his freedom to entertain his audience. I took action into my own hands to find your contact information. No, I did not find it on his website. As much as you insist to the press that he has given out your information for his “personal army”, the truth is still that he made it impossible for anyone to gain that information from his website. I do have an internet connection, and do know how to use Google, however. About five minutes of searching led me to find your email, address, and phone number. No, I will not be harassing any of those, but it’s a good example of what the public can find without the aid of some fictional general. Inman is just the most recent case I’ve seen of an abuse of the legal system, which brings me to my second point.
What you’re doing is wrong. I don’t know if you know that or not, but it’s objectively wrong. I say this, because I’ve seen all the evidence in regards to this case, and it’s pretty easy to see that any jury with fourteen functioning brain cells between them will find this case in favor of Inman. In fact, you’re lucky that Inman simply wants to be left alone; a countersuit would be very unfortunate for you and your client’s careers. As of right now, your career is already suffering from the mere act of suggesting such a case. I know that law is a very complex field, and that parties can be very persuasive in their case, but you have to step back and look at this from outside the close-minded view of “I’ll get paid, what else is there?” You’re threatening legal action against a man for slandering your client’s website. Slander is the act of diminishing a person’s reputation through the acts of falsehood, deception, or misinformation. So far, Inman has presented no false information, told any lies, or bent any details in his favor. There are literally over a hundred references to your client’s plagiarizing of his material, and just because it has since been removed does not make his words any less true.
What I’m getting around to is that you are the antithesis of the American dream. When this country was founded and its laws put to paper, our founding fathers wanted citizens to be able to use their talents to prosper, and benefit the greater good of society. This truth has held with Inman’s website: his comics are a great laugh, and the only profit he makes is from selling his own merchandise. Your client, however, allows these comics, along with other websites’ material, to be stolen, have their credits removed, then posted next to advertising with the intention of generating ad traffic and therefore profit for your client. Your client, and you, are leeching off of society. There is nothing good about what you are pursuing, and there will be no positive outcome for you.
As one last note: What is wrong with you trying to shut down Inman’s charity fund? He’s raising money for two extremely noble causes, and you’re upset because none of that money is going to make it into your pocket. When will your greed end? As a relatively successful lawyer, you’re already set for life. Sure, you may really want that fourth exotic sports car that’s worth more than five average household incomes, but that is not a valid reason to sully the already tarnishing name of lawyers in this country. Just pack up and go back to your mansion. Cherish what you have: your money, your career, your health, and your (hopefully) loving family. I say hopefully because if I were related to you, and I saw what you were trying to pull off, I would immediately disown myself out of shame and embarrassment.
I’m sorry that there are less tactful people harassing you and your family right now. While you do deserve the public outrage you’re receiving, you shouldn’t have to take it home with you. Unfortunately, the internet has made public figures like you quite transparent, and the injustice that you’ve recently proposed has caused what could be considered a digital riot. Please reconsider what you’re agreeing to with your client, not for Inman’s sake, but for your own. I hope that this email actually finds its way to your eyes, and not your junk folder.
From: Sandwich <firstname.lastname@example.org>
Date: Wed, Jun 13, 2012 at 12:30 AM
Subject: Negotiating with the community
You must not sleep at night since you represent people stealing work from an artist for their own profit. If you manage to sleep at night, it must mean you enjoy representing miscreants. What you are doing is wrong. You should have a conscience. If it isn’t waking up because of this backlash it’s because it’s you no longer have one.
This is the communities “negotiation” with you: Refuse to represent FunnyJunk or ask a judge to dismiss the case WITH prejudice and order your client to pay all legal fees to Inman.
You will lose this case and eventually lose your practice because no one will want to associate with you. Is it worth it?
From: Todor Kolev <email@example.com>
Date: Wed, Jun 13, 2012 at 12:30 AM
Subject: About the lawsuit
You are a douche, you know that, right?
So many people write to you hate email – no smoke without fire, right?
Bending the law to the way it suits you…Suing a comedian is like peeing in the pool = being an asshole and ruining it for everyone.
Furthermore, your client is a horrible spam site that earns money on unauthorized copies of work.
You shame the profession of advocacy.
Date: Wed, Jun 14, 2012 at 12:26 AM
Subject: Please Stop
Dear Mr. Carreon,
I am writing to voice my displeasure with your handling of the Oatmeal situation. Not only did you initiate what I believe is a frivolous lawsuit, now it appears that you are trying to block an act of charity. I would prefer that you not do this.
From: Shaun Dynan <firstname.lastname@example.org>
Date: Wed, Jun 13, 2012 at 2:15 AM
Subject: More spam
Here’s my 5 cents on the latest fj/oatmeal saga. You sir are the scum of society and I despise what you represent
From: Joakim Gandara <email@example.com>
Date: Wed, Jun 13, 2012 at 1:58 AM
Subject: Trying to block a charity?
You’re a PR nightmare.
“Personal army”? I personally do not enjoy the website you’re legally harassing and couldn’t care less about his intellectual property, but what you’re doing is morally reprehensible. How could I not react?
Your name is now synonymous with bullying of the worst kind.
From: Ryan Campbell <firstname.lastname@example.org>
Date: Wed, Jun 13, 2012 at 1:20 AM
Subject: Congratulations on Destroying your Own Reputation
Congratulations. Your continued conduct with respect to this Funnyjunk vs. the Oatmeal affair is a travesty. Here’s some free advice – match the donations to charity that the Oatmeal raises, drop your client and cut your losses. To continue as your are makes a mockery of yourself and the legal profession. The fact that someone such as yourself can find relative success as a lawyer tells me everything I need to know about the dire straights America is in right now. You are the reason America’s economy is stalled, and why innovation and talent is feeling the country in droves. I fully respect the good work lawyers do – many of my friends are lawyers – but good lawyers comport themselves with far more dignity and grace than you.
I hope you find it in your heart to find the error of your ways.
From: Alex Thompson <email@example.com>
Date: Wed, Jun 13, 2012 at 1:36 AM
I hope you’re enjoying the Streisand Effect. A shame that such a well practiced INTERNET EXPERT LAWYER such as yourself didn’t know enough about it to just stop.
Also, nice try blaming the Oatmeal for “marshaling an army” against you. I think you’re confusing an ‘organised hate campaign’ with ‘doing something so stupid and greedy that people actively seek you out to send you insults in their free time. Trying to shift the blame to the Oatmeal after they posted a human and funny response to your letter with lawyer-esque threats isn’t gonna go down well either, just in case you hadn’t figured that out yet.
Oh and the suggestion that you’d deny charities huge amounts of money because of the “obscenity” of an MS Paint image was pretty awesome too by the way. Well done on that. I don’t think you could have figured out a stupider thing to say if you’d actually sat down and thought about it.
Do yourself a favour and stop now, this won’t go away, and you’re going to look like more of a tool every second you keep it up.
Go fuck yourself.
Date: Jun 13, 2012
Subject: [Cornell LII Lawyer Directory Attorney Contact Form] oatmeal
Mr. Charles Carreon,
it is your hysterical behavior on the funnyjunk lawsuit that will define your reputation
sorry but you are now a joke to a lot of people, this is my opinion
wasted a career, but then most lawyers are a waste of a human being
you define, in my opinion, whats wrong with with lawyers
From: Alessio Lipperi <firstname.lastname@example.org>
Date: Jun 12, 2012 at 6:52 PM
Not only you file an infamous lawsuit against someone who got robbed.
Now you try to take the charity money away, too!!
These 100k dollars are destined to the national wildlife society and to the american cancer society.
You know what?
You sir, you are the biggest douchebag in the universe, and I hope you get raped by a bear, and get prostate cancer from it.
My worst regards
From: Maurice Fappeur <email@example.com>
Date: Wed, Jun 13, 2012 at 4:47 AM
Subject: Legal advice request
So…What’s it like having a Kodiak bear as step-dad?
From: Thomas Twenhoven <firstname.lastname@example.org>
Date: Wed, Jun 13, 2012 at 4:00 AM
Subject: The Oatmeal case
Do you have any kind of ethics or do you just sue anyone if you’re paid to do it?
Date: Wed, Jun 13, 2012 at 1:02 AM
Subject: [Cornell LII Lawyer Directory Attorney Contact Form] eat shit, cock jockey.
Mr. Charles Carreon,
Ser Jorah (email@example.com) has sent you a message via your
Signed, Ser Jorah Mormont (Of BEAR island)
Form sent from:
Date: Wed, Jun 13, 2012 at 1:06 AM
Subject: Wil Wheaton
When even Wil Wheaton calls you out for violating his well known rule, you may wish to reexamine your choices.
From: Bruo Silva <firstname.lastname@example.org>
Date: Jun 12, 2012 at 10:46 PM
Re: You Sir
Are a fuckwad. I’m a law student at Levin law. You make me sick to be studying this profession. Shut down money for cancer research? Fuck you.
From: Bruno Silva <email@example.com>
Date: Wed, Jun 13, 2012 at 6:00 AM
You’ll have a good time dealing with the Internet crowd. Just google Mr. Thompson. Oh wait, he’s disbarred. Right, never mind then. Carry on with your sleuthing and suing on behalf of copyright infringing douche bags.
I’m sure there’s no law against frivolous cases wasting the court’s time.
I’d draw you a picture, but I think you’re getting enough of those. You’re on the front page of reddit again. Enjoy the rainbow colored shit storm headed your way.
Oh and the charity you want to shut down? It’s on their featured page now, with even more funds. Oops!
From Nelstar Xyrulgile <firstname.lastname@example.org>
Date: Wed, Jun 13, 2012 at 1:66 AM
Subject: FunnyJunk – TheOatmeal.com – Defamation and False Advertising
To: Mr. Charles Hernan Carreon,
RE: FunnyJunk – TheOatmeal.com – Defamation and False Advertising
I represent the fans of TheOatmeal.com, an authentic humor site. I write to implore that you retract your attempts to stop the efforts to raise fund for charities as you will garner unnecessary hatred, resentment, and even negative publicity in both cyber and media from readers, viewers, and donors from all walks of life. I will even consider writing in to the US Embassy in my country to request the American Bar Association to review your actions which has no beneficial value whatsoever to bears and victims of cancer.
First, donations are made in attempt to support bears and cancer victims. These actions made by contributors worldwide knowingly that the money will go to the beneficiaries. In your action to request IndieGoGo to disable the fundraising attempt, it is a petty act from your end which is thoughtless and irrational.
Your comments had already been circulated on many forms on social media and the general consensus of your responses to the fundraising efforts is widely deemed as petty and had generated much ill will online.
Consider it an act of true if you post on your website that you are really sorry that you even tried to request to disable the fundraising attempt.
cc: You may run an article on the lawyer addressed in the To: field on this e-mail.
An angered fan
From: Colin van Waardenberg <email@example.com>
Date: Wed, Jun 13, 2012 at 6:28 AM
Subject: IndieGoGo “BearLove Good Cancer Bad”
Why did you send a request to disable the fundraising campaign? Everything else is just not very gentleman like, but trying to block the fundraiser? Who do you think you are? You should maybe google Dave, from Ocean Marketing, he’s about as big a douche as you are.
From: Timothy Lewis <firstname.lastname@example.org>
Date: Wed, Jun 13, 2012 at 6:18 AM
Subject: You’ve made a bad decision and you should feel bad
I’m amazed that any lawyer i the world would represent FunnyJunk to try and sue The Oatmeal. His content was stolen and proper credit removed and posted all over their site. He complained about it. You say The Oatmeal did $20,000 in damages? Really? FunnyJunk didn’t police their own site enough to remove copyright infringing material. If this weren’t true, this would be defamation of FunkyJunk’s character. The problem here is that it IS true. Any damages that happened to their business is their own fault. In my humble opinion, it would take a pretty poor lawyer not to see that.
You knew this was wrong when you first decided to go ahead with this bogus claim. This attempt to bully $20,000 from The Oatmeal has done more damage to FunkyJunk’s reputation than the $20,000 you would like to sue for. I can’t believe that no one involved saw the PR backlash this could have caused. Well guess what? Irreparable damage has been done. The culprit is FunkyJunk’s greed and incompetence, in my opinion.
Stop being mean.
You should really consider apologizing. And if you don’t drop this lawsuit, you must realize that your name will be mud to many people in many industries.
I’m a nice person, so I wish you the best. I hope from here on out you make wise, smart decisions…and that those decisions help your career and personal life to flourish.
Good day to you.
From: anthony apostoloff <email@example.com>
Date: Wed, Jun 13, 2012 at 7:33 AM
Subject: Another Oatmeal Email
I understand that this is your job but to try and shut down this charity service that the oatmeal has set up makes you a scumbag. You want him to pay you money for hosting his unlicensed comics on funnyjunk for years without siting his name on said comics? Thats stupid, I dont care what kind of “slander” (truth) he said about funnyjunk. You will not come out of this not looking like an asshole
From: Praxis Thanatos <firstname.lastname@example.org>
Date: Wed, Jun 13, 2012 at 7:07 AM
Subject: re: FunnyJunk vs TheOatmeal
While I understand that you have a job to do, let me assure you that you have failed in an exceedingly spectacular manner.
Popular opinion on both you and Funnyjunk has plummeted due to YOUR attempt to shut down a *CHARITY* which has already earned 7x the ridiculously petty amount that you and Funnyjunk were attempting to extort.
Good luck with your court case, sir, and welcome to the Internet.
From: Sean Reimer <email@example.com>
Date: Jun 13, 2012
Subject: Trying to Shut Down the Charity!?
I understand your frustration over the backlash of The Oatmeal vs Funnjunk, because you are clearly on the wrong side of things, but trying to shut down Operation BearLove Good Cancer Bad? Do you know how evil that is? Where is your soul?
Deal with this losing legal matter however you would like, but just leave the charity out of it.
From: Matt Henzi <firstname.lastname@example.org>
Date: Wed, Jun 13, 2012 at 8:30 AM
Subject: You and your lawyer ilk need to got to hell
I never write angry letters but you need to be made an example of.
You sue a guy for 20k, and hope he’ll settle ’cause the lawsuit will cost him more than 20k to defend? How many anonymous emails to his email address will it take before this lawsuit ends up costing Chas 20k? It’s only a matter of time before Googling his name returns pages describing his frivolous lawsuit. We can only hope that this costs him many thousands of dollars over the years. Perhaps this will make him and other lawyers a little less likely to file frivolous lawsuits in the future.
Exactly. I hope this move destroys your career and you are made an example to the other lawyers in this country.
Shame on you for using threat of lawsuit to make a few bucks and strong arm someone into compliance. That’s not what our laws are written to do. Just because you *can* use the laws to harass, threaten and make money doesn’t mean you should. We all have a stake in not having to live in fear of frivolous corporate money whips like yourself.
From: Mark Brelow <email@example.com>
Date: Wed, Jun 13, 2012 at 7:57 AM
Subject: Not such funny junk
As a two-time cancer survivor, a successful lawyer and a former technology professional (CS degree and 15 years in the field), I have to raise my voice regarding my disgust for this stupid lawsuit between Funnyjunk and The Oatmeal (far superior and original in my opinion).
The fact that you would try to bar someone from raising money for a WONDERFUL cause and one that hits home with me and my friends/family is probably the most egregious form of douchebaggery I have ever seen. I say that because I cannot come up with a better term right now due to that fact that I am simply astounded by your actions, as well as your inane client’s actions and pursuit of what you two perceive to be justice of some sort. The Oatmeal is 100% in the right in this one. Your client is upset someone has a voice against him (with cause) and I am astounded you think you can make a case here.
Let the power of the public Internet prevail. I cannot wait until you realize how simply stupid you are; I will be following this very closely. For shame. I hope this situation blows up entirely in your face.
From: Shannon Radoll <firstname.lastname@example.org>
Date: Wed, Jun 13, 2012 at 8:38 AM
Subject: re: explain please
I am asking for is a simple explanation of the “Oatmeal Situation” as it has become known in my community.
It is my understanding that your client allegedly copied material from the Oatmeal website and used it without giving proper credit. Even after Oatmeal asked them to either give proper credit or remove the material they did not do either. After using Oatmeal’s material for over three years, your client (FunnyJunk) decided to sue Oatmeal $20,000 for using their material. I must be missing something because this makes no sense whatsoever. I can’t even think up a hypothetical situation to make a proper analogy. All I can say is this is really messed up.
Here are my questions-feel free to use a simple yes/no for time sake. I’m sure you are very busy.
Are you a real lawyer?
What grounds does FunnyJunk have for suing Oatmeal? I am a recent college graduate and in my reasoning, the opposite should be occurring.
Did you take on this case just for the publicity?
Did you know Casey Anthony is interested in a book deal and might need representation? (I know this is completely unrelated to the a fore mentioned case but I thought it sounded like your “cup of tea” as they say!)
Did you ever watch that show “LA Law”? That was a great show, I really miss it. Where those real attorneys or just really good actors?
What about “Mad Men”? Are you hooked on that like me and the rest of America? Can you believe that guy hanged himself?
Are you actually going to read this, or is going straight to your trash folder? I hope you will respond. After all, I took the time to write you, you should give me the courtesy of responding. Right?
What do you think Judge Judy would have to say about this? (I’m pretty sure she is a real judge not just a TV actor/character.)
Now that Oatmeal raised all this money for charity (I heard it’s over $118,000!), why do you want them to give it back? Do you want people to get cancer or do you just have a thing against bears? I’m sure there is a term for bear phobia, I’ll Google it for you (I read you had difficulty understanding how Google works.)
I know a bunch of my friends have written you as well, so I would truly appreciate it if you could respond as soon as possible. We are having a little “contest”, but I can’t tell you too much about it in case you might decide to sue us!
Thanks bunches Chas (is that your real name or just a nickname?)
Shannon in Seattle (my real name)
[Obvious Oatmeal Fan!]
From: Ryne Andal <email@example.com>
Date: Wed, Jun 13, 2012 at 9:48 AM
Subject: This isn’t mob psychology.
This is people standing up for what is morally right and telling you to back off. You’ve no ground to stand on, and are making yourself looking more egotistical with each passing hour. The child’s fit of attempting to shut down a charitable fundraiser because you’re not receiving that money is damn near criminal, from a moral level. I’d hate to see the massive backlog of bad karma you’re currently earning. Quit your vendetta against The Oatmeal, because he is all that is wonderful and glorious on the Internet.
From: Corina Garza <firstname.lastname@example.org>
Date: Wed, Jun 13, 2012 at 9:12 AM
Subject: please don’t attack charity funds
Please stop this ridiculous attack on The Oatmeal, it’s not fair to him or his readers when Funny Junk is at fault. And please don’t attack the charity funds The Oatmeal has raised, it’s for CHARITY for crying out loud! Don’t make yourself look any more horrible. Please.
From: Mike E. <email@example.com>
Date: Wed, Jun 13, 2012 at 8:50 AM
Subject: Litigation against Charles Carrion
Send me $20,000 or I will sue you. Contact me ASAP for payment details.
From: Team Alpha <firstname.lastname@example.org>
Date: Sat, Jul 7, 2012 at 6:15 AM
Hey, Fuck you and rot in hell, asstard, you know why.
From: j s <email@example.com>
Date: Mon, Jun 18, 2012 at 9:28 PM
Subject: New information regarding case
You are an evil, sick and twisted person, please do humanity a favour and kill yourself
From: Ryan Wells <firstname.lastname@example.org>
Date: Jun 18, 2012
Cal. Gov. Code 12598. (a) The primary responsibility for supervising charitable trusts in California, for ensuring compliance with trusts and articles of incorporation, and for protection of assets held by charitable trusts and public benefit corporations, resides in the Attorney General.
Cal. Gov. Code 12591. Nothing in this article shall impair or restrict the jurisdiction of any court with respect to any of the matters covered by it, except that no court shall have jurisdiction to modify or terminate any trust of property for charitable purposes unless the Attorney General is a party to the proceedings.
In other words, private parties can’t sue to enforce the statute under which you are suing.
From: Jason <email@example.com>
Date: Mon, Jun 18, 2012 at 3:38 PM
Subject: It doesn’t work.
First off, pulling down your contact information from your website does not work. It’s out there…and will be out there. Forever. For anyone who’s willing to type “Charles Carreon Email Address” into Google. Hell, I have your phone number and home address as well if I wanted to send you a post card or ask you if your refrigerator is running.
Second, dude. Stop. Really. Just stop. You can’t win in this kind of thing. Even if, in the furthest reaches of unlikeliness, that you someone win this thing in court…the Internet does not forget. Or forgive. Your winning will be the most Pyrrhic of victories, because you will join in the pantheon of reviled people that get email bombed and slandered…forever. Your only chance is really to just apologize, shut up, and move on.
Just advice from an old Internet hand who’s seen it all before. Take it or don’t, it’s not my ass that’s E-Grass.
From: Fucker McFuckerface <firstname.lastname@example.org>
Date: Wed, Jun 13, 2012 at 8:17 PM
Subject: You are a giant douchenozzle.
You have got to be the biggest fucking douchenozzle on the planet. Launching a suit FOR a FUCKING CONTENT THIEF is about the most despicable practice I have ever seen. I hope you have a 10 year bout with brain cancer and that your final swan song is when they remove your cancerous brain and replace it with your pathetic little dick. You fucking piece of shit.
From: Suzanne Pope <email@example.com>
Date: Wed, Jun 13, 2012 at 5:49 PM
Subject: You should be ashamed of yourself
You’re seriously trying to shut down a fundraising drive that will aid cancer research and wildlife protection?
Give your head a shake, and become a human being.
From: Tyna <Tynamcnair@gmail.com>
Date: Wed, Jun 13, 2012 at 5:44 PM
Subject: Stopping Fundraising?
This is not mob mentality, people are questioning your morals, because you sir, have none!
Shame, shame, shame, shame, shame.
From: Tom <firstname.lastname@example.org
Date: Jun 13, 2012
Subject: legal representation
My pet bear is very very lonely and has not had any intimate company in a long time… I am told you are the man to contact for an introduction to someone VERY caring and special.
Please let me know her rates and requirements.
From: John Dee <email@example.com>
Date: Wed, Jun 13, 2012 at 1:17 PM
Subject: Scumbag, lowlife douchebag
You’re why people hate lawyers. Choke and die, fuckwit.
From: Robert Rademacher <firstname.lastname@example.org>
Date: Wed, Jun 13, 2012 at 12:19 PM
Subject: what a stupid dork you are.
It’s time for you to look for shit law jobs as you do not know what you are doing.
From: Michel Boudreau <email@example.com>
Date: Wed, Jun 13, 2012 at 10:01 AM
Subject: Please Fuck Off You Twat.
Anthony DeLuca <firstname.lastname@example.org>
Date: Jun 13, 2012
Subject: Why are you trying to stop a Charity fundraiser?
I don’t see why you believe its morally right to try to stop money from being donated to the American Cancer Society. Don’t you have a heart?
From: Megan Bowlen <email@example.com>
Date: Wed, Jul 18, 2012 at 9:50 PM
You’re a fucking lunatic. I don’t know what your problem is, nor do I know whats the deal is with your bitchy-ass wife, but that you and that woman have exceeded my wildest imagination of the most horrid and obnoxious display of action on the internet. You should both be ashamed.
From: Solo Inceptums <firstname.lastname@example.org>
Date: Jun 12, 2012
Hello bottom feeder, i like your little letter that you sent to the oatmeal. You are a perfect example of leeches, and the worst thing is, you are wrong. I would figure someone in your stature would have the brains before you just send out random threats, but looking at your track record i am not surprised. I hope you lose your career, and end up on the streets, broke and starving, it would be nice to drive by and watch you beg for money, which is kinda what you do right now anyways … so your half way there…have a wonderful life, may it be dreadful.
From Jonathan Quick <Jonathan.email@example.com>
Date: Tue, Jun 12, 2012 at 1:06 PM
Subject: I need your help
You, good sir, are an asshat.
I hope a dinosaur will ambush you.
On Tue, Jun 12, 2012 at 12:47 PM, Daniel Reiser <firstname.lastname@example.org> wrote:
I’ve written a bot that’s going to link to your site thousands of times with the words “I am a bad lawyer” (for the purposes of humor). Is this legal?
Burn in Hell,
PS My Swedish ass doesn’t care about your laaaame laws
From CYPHERDSOUL <email@example.com>
Date: Tue, Jun 12, 2012 at 6:18 PM
Douchebag ………………………………………………… DOUCHEBAG!!!
From: marc david <firstname.lastname@example.org>
Date: Tue, Jun 12, 2012 at 6:17 PM
Subject: have those papers for you
So you expected TheOatmeal to cave, settle out of court and pony up? Now you want to take money from charities? Ever thought of a new line of work? You are clearly very bad at what you do.
From: halim SUJANTO <email@example.com>
Date: Tue, Jun 12, 2012 at 6:14 PM
Subject: please kill yourself
From: Briar Wolfbrother <firstname.lastname@example.org>
Date: Tue, Jun 12, 2012 at 6:00 PM
Subject: Important legal matter
This is someones mom.
From: youradouche <email@example.com>
Date: Tue, Jun 12, 2012 at 2:36 PM
youradouchewithnosenseofhumorandripotherpeopleoff. way tohelpruinthecountrydouche
From: Scotty Doo <ace1000 firstname.lastname@example.org>
Date: Tue, Jun 12, 2012 at 6:39 PM
Subject: I am Disappoint
You will NOT try and stop thosecharitiesfrom receiving their money!
From: Kat L. <katrina email@example.com>
Date: Tue, Jun 12, 2012 at 6:30 PM
You are a great big sack of dicks.
From: Christopher Weaver <firstname.lastname@example.org>
Date: Tue, Jun 12, 2012 at 6:21 PM
Subject: Worlds biggest douche and an idiot as well
Get a life and a brain your an idiot.
From: Anthony Glyadchenko <email@example.com>
Date: Jun 12, 2012
Subject: Question in regards to your career
YOU ARE A FUCKING ASSHOLE!!!!
TRYING TO STOP MONEY FROM CHARITIES …
PEOPLE WILL THROW SHIT ON YOUR GRAVE BECAUSE THAT’S ALL YOU’RE WORTH…
From: steve kwiatkowski <firstname.lastname@example.org>
Date: Tue, Jun 12, 2012 at 6:17 PM
Subject: Shame on you
You are beneath contempt, a sorry example of humanity, and a liar. Nobody “marshaled an army.” Individuals with a conscience respond of their own accord. To hell with you and your threats and attempted extortion.
I’m sending money to The Oatmeal so it can be donated to cancer research and the National Wildlife Federatoin. Maybe then bears and other animals will be safe from being molested by your mother. You are obviously a product of an abominable union between woman and beast. You’re a joke. Thanks for making us laugh, jackass! Ha-ha!
From: Voice Of Reason <email@example.com
Date: Jun 12, 2012
Subject: Legal Advice
Can I call you Chas?
I have a question:
I am trying to sue somebody for damages in the order of $20,000 for defamation, financial losses, and some other legal-sounding stuff I don’t really know the definition of.
Just to be on the down-low (teacher-lawyer privacy rights), I think that this would be considered by “normal” people to be a “frivolous” lawsuit, but I really need this done right because I had to fire my personal trainer because I couldn’t afford her anymore, and all my bros are really upset with me right now because she was HOT. I think that also counts as “emotional damages” or something like that right?
I have heard you are simply THE BEST in the field of “frivolous” litigation, and that you are SUPER ELITE.
It’s very simple. I want you to sue the shit out of Kirsty Alley (is that how you spell her skanky-ass name?) She basically put me out of business when she tweeted something to the effect of “Cupcakes are the DEVIL!”
I make cupcakes FOR A LIVING BRO. Due to her stupid thunder-thighed bitch-ass AND her inability to control her regular inhalation of fucking mocha-fudge brownie-cupcakes, I now have to SUFFER as a young, homosexually inclined small-business part-owner and I DEMAND JUSTICE.
I know you can help me, and I am willing to do WHATEVER it takes to “retain your services”.
This would work out even BETTER if you would accept your initial legal fees in your choice of 13 dozen FAT FREE FABULOUS CUPCAKES! Just kidding I know you are a REAL professional.
Give those Oatmeal bastards hell Chas! Screw those hot-cereal fanatics anyway, whatever happened to Fruit-Loops with orange juice? OMG OMG you may have just inspired a new cupcake!
Can I name it after you OMG!!!!! “The Chas Carreon: The only Fruit-Loop & Orange Juice Cupcake with Low-Fat whipped-cream CENTER OMG!!!!!!
You are such a talented man. Please help me sue that fat bitch so I can name a cupcake in your honor.
-LA-FAWN (I make cupcakes)
From: avinash ganta <firstname.lastname@example.org>
Date: Thu, Jun 14, 2012 at 12:53 AM
Subject: You are funny, right!!
Should have thought twice…you douche bag.
Warmest of Regards,
PS: Don’t think of suing me, laws in India don’t work like that. Dumbass.
From: Trevor Ross <email@example.com>
Date: Wed, Jun 13, 2012 at 4:14 PM
Subject: The Oatmeal
Please stop trying to close down the charity fundraiser. There is nothing bad that comes out of it AT ALL. Doing this makes you look like an evil person and with people already hating you, would you want even more people to dislike you? The main case is one thing (even that is stupid), but this is completely unreasonable. Think about it. Maybe you’ll come to the right conclusion. If not, I feel sorry for you.
From: Tom <firstname.lastname@example.org>
Date: Thu, Jun 21, 2012 at 12:30 PM
How’s it feel to be the biggest asshole on the Internet?
From: Anthony <email@example.com>
Date: Wed, Jun 13, 2012 at 12:05 PM
Subject: Why are you trying to stop a charity fundraiser?
I don’t see why you believe its morally right to try to stop money from being donated to the American Cancer Society. Don’t you have a heart?